


I Need You

by sheroars



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Canon? what Canon, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Episode: s19e13 The Undiscovered Country, You Don't Just Say Goodbye to Rafael Barba
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-13 21:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14756709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheroars/pseuds/sheroars
Summary: "Whatever you can spare me, I'll take."





	I Need You

He said he had to move on. So she followed him home.

 

His apartment was warm but a little bare. A lot of half filled cardboard boxes were scattered around the floor. He stood slightly by the couch. Even his posture was apologetic and nervous.

 

"I knew it was either going to be prison or a new apartment." She nodded, mustering a small smile as she shrugged off her coat. "Can I get you a-?" The question died on his lips as she stepped forward and reached for the buttons of his jacket. The heavy tan trench had always been one of her favorites, but she didn't want to see him in it right now. He stayed completely still as she pulled it off his shoulders and threw it next to her own over the back of the couch. She carefully untied the loose knot in his wool scarf and let it slip into her hands. He blinked rapidly, breath getting shaky.

 

She unknotted his tie and pulled it away. She unbuttoned his collar and the first button of his shirt, smoothing her fingers across his shoulders. She picked up his left hand and then the right, pulling off his gloves and snapping off the cufflinks. She pushed his suspenders off his shoulders and let them dangle. "Liv…" She bent down to untie her own shoelaces and pull off her boots. There was still some snow clinging to their shoes and pant legs, creating damp spots on their clothes and the hardwood floors. She brushed some ice off the cuffs of his pant legs. He watched her with slightly blurry vision as she stood. She searched his face for a long minute before wrapping one arm and then the other around his neck, hiding her face against his collar and inhaling deeply.  

 

He crumpled.

 

He let his face rest against her shoulder and let the tears roll down his cheeks. Let his arms wrap around her waist. Let his hands fist in her sweater and hold her body against his own as tightly as he could. He leaned on the back of the sofa. She stood between his feet and took another shaky breath, unable to inhibit the instinct to cling.  He turned his face, intending to kiss her cheek. His eyes were closed but he knew he had inadvertently pressed his lips to her neck. She shivered, one hand coming up to card through his hair and keep him close. He did it again. His lips ghosted across her ear before finally gracing her temple. She bit down on her lip to suppress a soft cry, screwing her eyes shut as she turned her face against his cheek.

 

"My life is so much better with you in it." He felt every mumbled syllable against his jaw. "I can't…I don't know what to do without you here. Where will you go?"  

 

"I don't know." He admitted. "Any suggestions?" He asked, attempting to lighten the mood. It worked. She laughed lightly, sniffing as she pulled back ever so slightly to look at him. Her fingers stroking idly at the back of his neck and fidgeted with his shirt collar.

 

"Come back to New York. Do what you need to…but come back. Please. Or pick up the phone when I call." The sadness in her voice made his stomach turn. 

 

"New York is my home. And I could never not…" He trailed off. They were swaying back and forth ever so slightly, probably trying to soothe each other. He had never been this close to her for this long. Her eyes dropped down to his chin before meeting his gaze again.

 

"Can I-?" His heart nearly stopped beating. 

 

"Please." He whispered. She tilted her head to the side and touched her lips to his. Chaste. Barely there. His mouth fell open in a feeble attempt to breathe. She kissed him firmly, sucking at his bottom lip and slipping her tongue into his mouth ever so shyly. "God, Liv…" They brushed tears from each other's cheeks and laughed lightly before getting lost in the moment again. He could feel his pulse pounding in his ears as she kissed him again and again. He was lapping and nipping at the skin of her throat, soaking in her throaty gasps when her phone rang.

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin and let his hands fall to his side but she merely reached behind him to dig in her coat pocket, straddling his thigh in the process.

 

"Hey Lucy, yes. Yes that's still perfect. Listen, can I call you back?" She smiled sweetly at him and slipped an arm around his waist to keep him in place, flooring him again. He brushed hair behind her ear and swallowed. "Thank you so much. Talk to you soon." Her phone landed somewhere on the couch.

 

"Do you need to go?"

 

"No. Lucy's staying the night." The space between them was thick and warm. He gathered his courage, taking her chin in his hand and kissing the corner of her mouth, grinning as her smile widened.

 

"I can't tell you how long I've wanted to do that." She smiled again, kissing his chin and biting her lip, looking at him in a way that made him want to groan.

 

"Me neither." She said. His hands fell to her hips, fingers hooking through her belt loops, a thrill going up his spine as she kissed him soundly. When he drug his teeth across her bottom lip she rocked herself up on his thigh and he nearly died.   

 

"What am I doing?" He asked, panting against her cheek. She caught her breath as she leaned back, looking at him sympathetically as she shrugged.

 

"Do you need to know?" He looked confused. And tired. And a little bit scared. Not very different from how he looked outside of the courthouse barely an hour ago. She stroked the side of his face with the backs of her fingers. "How about we get something to eat? I'll stay. We can figure it out." He smiled slowly, but widely. She swore his eyes lightened and the furrow in his brow relaxed. He kissed her again. And again. Happily. Playfully. Until she was dizzy.

 

So that’s how she found herself sitting on his couch, sitting so close it was hard to focus. They were turned towards each other. Her legs were curled up against his thigh. Their fingers were laced against her knee. She was moving her thumb along his hand and asking him questions they both wanted the answers to.

 

"Do you still want to work cases?"

 

"Not like I used to." He admitted, watching her fingers flex between his. He was momentarily side tracked when she lifted their hands and pressed the back of his wrist to her lips. "I think I need to do something else. But arguing is the only thing I've ever been good at." She snorted, and shook her head.

 

"You're an excellent writer."

 

"And I write about law."

 

"When you were still in school, did you always want to be a prosecutor?" She rested her head on his shoulder, attempting to memorize the way his cologne clung to his shirt.  

 

"I looked into child advocacy for awhile." He, getting a far away look in his eyes.  "No way that'll ever happen now, unless your pal Langan is in the miracle making business. I had a good relationship with a mid-size defense firm in Cambridge while I was in school. I stayed on with them for a few years before going into the public sector. But that feels too close. Too strange. I can't explain why." 

 

"I had to learn how to take time. To not do anything. Turmoil like this is it's own kind of trauma. Your brain and your body need a recovery period." She said softly. His cheek came down to rest against her hair. She brought their hands to her chest and they listened to his watch tick. The city sounds were so distant they were almost nonexistent.

 

"How do you make such a big mistake sound like a bump in the road?" He asked. There was a tap on the door and they were reminded that a whole world existed outside of his apartment. "I'll get it. Pour us a drink?" She squeezed his hand before letting go. The bubble had burst but the peaceful look on his face made her heart skip a beat.   

 

They ate fried rice and kung pao chicken and watched some shitty reality TV. Something about someone renovating houses in Las Vegas. She stole one of his egg rolls, per usual. He opened a fortune cookie and nearly snorted wine half way up his nose. She raised an eyebrow. He handed her the slip of paper.  _Now is the time to try something new_.  She giggled. 

 

"Talk about dramatic irony." They were sitting hip to hip now, both leaning forward with their elbows on their knees. She pressed her shoulder into his playfully, muting the TV.  

 

"I think I need time." He said quietly. "I have family in Miami. I think I'll take a few weeks." She did her best to keep her smile from faltering. "Has Noah ever been to the beach?" She shook her head, heart abruptly aching for a different reason. "You could visit. I could look for apartments and jobs and then come back clean."

 

"You're not dirty, Rafael" She insisted.

 

"Fraying at the edges." He corrected himself. She suddenly felt overwhelmed with emotions. Sadness. Excitement. Tenderness. Fear. He leaned his temple against hers. She sniffed. "I need time away from everything except you." He pulled away after a moment, standing and pacing. "I can't imagine being more unfair to you than I am right now."

 

"This isn't about me." She said firmly, bringing him back to earth before he started catastrophizing. "You did something that you cannot change and you're dealing with that." She said. He nodded, lips tight. He went to look out the window. She gave him his space, picking up their trash and disposing of it in the kitchen. She topped off their wine glasses before joining him. He was leaning on the window pane. She leaned on the wall behind him and rubbed circles on his back. "There were consequences for your actions and you paid the price. You lost your job. Maybe yourself for awhile…but you're still you. You're still the same Rafael Barba who changed so many lives for the better in this city." She leaned her cheek on the wall, dragging her fingers down his spine. It was dizzying touching him like this. So easily. So much. "What's your middle name?" She asked suddenly. He laughed, shoulders straightening a little.

 

"Raul Eduardo."

 

"The same Rafael Raul Eduardo Barba that grew up in Bronx and made it to Manhattan. The same one with the Harvard law degree and a big brass ego." She said, smiling fondly, seeing him smile in the reflection trapped in the window. She leaned in closer, pressing her mouth to his shoulder and squeezing his arm. Their eyes met for a moment in the glass. "You are so important to me and there's nothing you can do to change that. Not seeing you will hurt me. But so did seeing you in this much pain." She cautiously slipped her hand under his arm to press against his chest, pulling him against herself ever so gently. He brought a hand up to cover hers. "It's all over. You'll take your time. You'll come back better. And I'll be here for you if you need me." He turned in her arms, framing her face with his hands and searching her eyes.

 

"Olivia." He sighed. "I'm raw. And I'm inside out." He bit his lip, halting his train of thought. 

 

"I know the feeling."

 

"I never planned on this." He wrestled internally, kissing her forehead again. "Fuck it. Even when we were at each other's throats...even at our worst I was falling in love with you. I need you. Whatever you can spare me, I'll take." 

 

"What are you feeling right now?" She asked hoarsely.

 

"Nervous. Strange." He sucked in a breath. "A little sweaty." She laughed, squeezing his hips.

 

"Sounds more like a beginning than an ending to me."   

 

        


End file.
